TLDR; Self-criticism doesn’t come out of nowhere—it usually comes from old stories, pressure, and parts of you trying to stay safe. You can stop judging yourself by noticing your critical thoughts, getting curious about where they came from, and gently processing the deeper beliefs underneath. With support, it’s absolutely possible to build more compassion, self-trust, and emotional ease.

How often do you catch yourself thinking something harsh about your body, your productivity, your choices, or the way you show up in relationships? Maybe it passes by in an instant—quick, sharp, and familiar. Or maybe it lands with a thud, hitting the same sore place over and over again.

If you’ve ever wondered how to stop judging yourself, you’re not alone. Self-criticism is something almost everyone struggles with, especially highly sensitive adults, people who grew up absorbing strong messages from family or surrounding culture, or those with a history of anxiety or trauma.

But here’s the truth you may need to hear:
You weren’t born criticizing yourself. You learned it somewhere.

And because it was learned, it can be unlearned—with awareness, compassion, and support.

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Why Do We Judge Ourselves So Harshly?

Let’s start with a grounding truth:
Self-judgment is often a learned response—not a personality flaw.

We live in a culture full of rigid rules about what makes someone “good,” “productive,” “healthy,” or “successful.” There are rules about how we should parent, how we should look, how we should spend our time, and nearly every part of our lives.

When you grow up in an environment with strong expectations—or if you’re a highly sensitive person who naturally notices and absorbs feedback more deeply—you may internalize those messages as your own. Over time, the voices of culture, family, school, or peers morph into an internal voice that sounds like:

“You should be doing more.”
“You aren’t trying hard enough.”
“You’re falling behind.”
“Your body shouldn’t look like this.”
“Good parents don’t mess up like that.”

But pause for a moment.

Who decided what “good enough” means?
Who taught you what is “right” or “wrong”?
Where did those standards come from?

Most people never question the starting place of their self-judgment. But exploring where these beliefs came from is a key step in learning how to stop judging yourself.

How to Stop Judging Yourself: The Deeper Work

You can’t bully yourself out of self-criticism.

You can’t “positive-thought” your way out.

And you can’t learn compassion by shaming yourself for not already having it.

Self-judgment usually comes from parts of you that learned—often at a very young age—that criticism was a way to stay safe, stay acceptable, or stay in control. These parts may carry old shame, fear, hurt, or pressure.

When we understand the roots of our self-criticism, it becomes easier to work with.

Below are four powerful, trauma-informed and compassion-centered strategies to help you shift the way you relate to yourself.

4 ways to stop self-criticism

1. Catch the Judgmental Thoughts (Without Judging Yourself for Having Them)

One of the first steps in learning how to stop judging yourself is simply to notice when the critical voice shows up.

This might sound obvious, but many people don’t realize they are being self-critical because it’s so automatic. Your brain may be firing off thousands of tiny judgments every day—and they often go unchecked.

Start by noticing:

When the judgment shows up
What triggered it
What patterns you see
Whether it happens around work, parenting, food, your body, or relationships

And please (truly):
Do not shame yourself for not catching it sooner.

You’re building a new awareness. It takes time.

Instead, aim for simple recognition:
“Oh, I’m judging myself again. Something in me is activated.”

That’s enough for this step.

2. Connect With the Parts of You That Are Showing Up

This is where the work becomes more therapeutic and transformative.

Instead of labeling your self-criticism as “negative” or “irrational,” shift into curiosity:

What part of me is speaking right now?
What is this part afraid will happen if it doesn’t criticize me?
Is this part trying to protect me from shame, embarrassment, or rejection?
Does this voice sound like someone from my past?

If it feels safe, close your eyes. Take a slow breath. Notice what sensations, memories, or emotions come forward.

Maybe the voice sounds like:

A critical parent
A perfectionistic teacher
A peer who commented on your body
A boss who always demanded more
Society’s relentless pressure to be “productive” and “perfect”

When you understand which part of you holds the judgment, you can respond with more compassion and clarity.

This is a core piece of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, which helps you connect with your internal parts instead of fighting them. Highly sensitive adults often find IFS particularly helpful because it gives structure to emotions that feel “big,” “messy,” or “too much.”

connect with an IFS therapist

3. Explore the Deeper Story Beneath the Negative Beliefs

This step is where real healing begins.

You can’t dismantle self-judgment without understanding the story beneath it.

Ask yourself:

Where did I learn that I wasn’t enough?
Who taught me I needed to be perfect to be worthy?
What early experiences made me believe I had to shrink myself, perform, or overachieve?
Did someone comment on my weight, my effort, my appearance, or my choices?
What internalized messages am I still carrying from family, culture, or diet culture?

Our critical thoughts are often the surface layer.

Underneath them are:

Old narratives
Unprocessed pain
Fears about being rejected or disappointing others
Attempts to stay safe in environments that were overwhelming
Childhood messages that became internal rules

This is tender work.

And it’s the work that creates lasting change.

4. Process What You Find (With Support if Needed)

Once the self-critical thoughts and stories are clear, you can begin to gently process them. This might include:

Journaling
Talking with a trusted friend
Speaking with a therapist
Practicing self-compassion
Exploring how these beliefs have shaped your choices

You may uncover grief.
You may meet the younger version of yourself who felt judged, shamed, or unseen.
You may uncover trauma or memories you haven’t revisited in years.

If it feels overwhelming, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means the work matters.

Sometimes this part of the process is where people reach out for help, because self-judgment wasn’t created alone. It often needs to be healed in connection.

If you’re a highly sensitive adult, this work can be particularly powerful, because your system is wired to feel deeply, reflect deeply, and heal deeply.

Why Highly Sensitive Adults Are Especially Hard on Themselves

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) often:

Notice subtle feedback
Internalize comments quickly
Feel more responsible for others’ emotions
Pick up on tension instantly
Struggle with overstimulation and overwhelm
Want to get things "right"
Feel guilt or shame more intensely

This isn’t a flaw.

It’s your wiring. And it means that self-judgment hits differently for you.

Understanding this can help soften the shame and create space for compassion.

How Self-Judgment Shows Up in Daily Life

You may notice self-criticism around:

Body Image

Feeling “not enough,” comparing yourself, or holding yourself to unrealistic standards shaped by diet culture.

Food & Eating

Criticizing your choices, feeling guilt after eating, or believing you “should” be more disciplined.

Parenting

Feeling like you’re failing your kids, comparing yourself to other parents, or feeling overly responsible for everything.

Relationships

Assuming you’re the problem, apologizing constantly, or thinking you’re “too sensitive.”

Work/School

Feeling behind, worrying about being judged, trying to prove yourself, or feeling unable to rest.

Wherever it shows up, it’s always in service of something deeper.
Learning to understand the function of your self-criticism is how you begin to heal it.

What Healing Self-Judgment Actually Looks Like

Healing is not about:

Becoming relentlessly positive
Never having a negative thought again
Telling yourself to “calm down” or “stop being hard on yourself”

Healing self-judgment is about:

Increasing inner awareness
Softening old rules
Meeting your parts with curiosity
Understanding your stories
Building self-trust
Letting go of inherited pressures
Practicing compassion instead of control

This is slow, intentional work—but it creates deep relief.

You Don’t Have to Work Through This Alone

If this resonates, therapy can help you untangle the internalized messages and critical parts that have shaped your life for so long.

If you live in Florida and want support, I offer:

IFS therapy (Internal Family Systems)
Brainspotting
Compassion-focused therapy
Support for highly sensitive adults
Body image and food relationship therapy

You don’t have to keep fighting with yourself.
You deserve support that sees all of you—your sensitivity, your history, and your capacity to heal.

Ready to Stop Judging Yourself and Build More Self-Compassion?

If you live in Tampa or would like to connect virtually throughout Florida or Vermont, I’d love to help you explore these patterns in a safe, gentle space.

Click below to connect with me and begin this work with support.
You deserve more compassion, and it’s absolutely possible for you.

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